It was late friday night, I reached my hand into the little bottle to get the last “anxiety” pill before my next refill. It squished into powder. Drat. I can’t take it now. I keep the bottle on the sink so a little bit of water must have gotten in and destroyed my last pill. Drat again.
I figured I’d just get a refill the next day, but life happened and before I know it, it’s been three days since I’ve been able to refill my medication.
Then Monday hits. And it hits hard.
If you suffer from any kind of mental illness you know what I mean. You try really hard to make it through the day but underneath all appearances you’re losing the battle.
It kind of sucks. Sorry if that sounds vulgar. When I signed up for taking this medication to help cope with my anxiety I knew it would be bad news bears to miss or be inconsistent. Still, I forgot just how difficult it was.
And now here I am at the end of this difficult day and I can’t help thinking to myself-
Oh…yeah…I do struggle with this don’t I? I do battle this demon.
I guess sometimes I forget that condition I have is very real. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you struggle with something too. It could be a hidden mental illness, it could be an addiction, it could be trying personal circumstances, whatever it is it’s very real. It may not be apparent to everyone around you, but it’s real to you, and that’s all that matters.
I don’t know all the reasons behind this. I don’t know why some people have some certain trials and other people suffer from others, but I do know that this scripture is true-
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me;” -Ether 12:27
Notice that it says God gives us “weakness” not “weaknesses”. I don’t believe God gave me anxiety disorder, or that he gave you whatever it is struggle with, rather He allowed us to be part of a fallen world, a world in which we would be subject to these things.
Why would He do this? Because He loves us.
Wow. That sounds cliche, it may even sound ridiculous and counterintuitive, but the fact is it’s true.
Imagine you have a little child (and if you have a child, imagine yours) Imagine they are completely self sufficient, they are perfect, they have all the food they could ever need and they know how to get it themselves. They never fall and scrape their knees, and they never bonk their heads…yes, I said bonk. Can you tell I have babies? 🙂
From an outside perspective this may seem completely desirable, but upon a closer look, the child misses out on one of the best feelings ever- being held and comforted by a parent. They miss out on feeling and strengthening the connection between themselves and their parents, one of the most basic and important connections of all.
After my rough day I kneeled in prayer and for the first time in a few days, I really prayed. Pouring out my soul, feeling anguish, but also feeling an immense beautiful feeling washing over me. I knew He was holding me, helping me, and sustaining me. I felt the supreme feeling of God’s love. The sweetest tasting fruit of all. I couldn’t have known the sweetness, without the bitter. And that feeling is one of the greatest gifts God could give me.
So if you’re battling your own personal demon, my invitation is this-
Don’t fight it on your own.
This battle isn’t best fought by standing in the ranks, firm and tall and marching headfirst into the war, rather it’s won by kneeling in broken humility and weakness. Pouring out in prayer so that you don’t have to shoulder the burden alone.
And the second half of that scripture I shared earlier? A promise.
“for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.“
I know He will leave you stronger. Keep fighting. Keep believing
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